Newest jokes

What do men consider a 50-50 relationship?
→ We cook, they eat! We clean, they dirty! We iron, they wrinkle!

Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?
→ Because if they all went it would be hell!

What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now!

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

Why do men prefer blondes?
→ Men always like intellectual company.

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful tone. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did," said Louise, "You're back at work on Monday."

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" The guy says, "Well damn! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells, "Get out!" The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" The guy says, "That's easy, you got no ears!" So the boss says, "Get out!" As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it." So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?" The guy says, "Your wearing contacts!"

And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?" So the guy replies, "Well darn, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging. Samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.