Newest jokes

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

- I don't want to know! - the child said, bursting into tears.

- Promise me you won't tell me.

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

- Oh dad - the boy sobbed

- when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for.

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:

- Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare.

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:

- Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!

Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park.

Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum. Suzie asked:

- You wanna play doctor?

Johnny replied:

- NO, that too old fashioned. Spit out you gum, I wanna play president.

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"

- Kid: Teacher can I go to the bathroom?

- Teacher: You have to say your ABC's first

- Kid: Ok, a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u, v,w.x.y, and z

- Teacher: Where's the p?

- Kid: It's running down my leg!!

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.

The teacher held up a picture of a cat.

- What animal is this? - she asked.

- A cat! - said Eddie.

- Good job! Now, what is this animal?

- A dog! - said Eddie.

- Good! Now what animal is this? - she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said:

- It's what your mom calls your dad.

- A horny bastard - called out Eddie.

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R," and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home:

- Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.

In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates -- many of them already laughing at him -- then replied:

- Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying. "Why are you crying?" asked the other child. "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger." When he heard this, the other child started to cry. "Why are you crying?" "I'm here for a urine test."

- Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?

- Teacher: Of course not!

- Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!