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Shortest Book of the Month: Ronald Reagan's "Memories"

California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:

The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name: Gang:

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with:

- This was England's finest hour.

Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said:

- Winston Churchill.

- Congratulations - said the teacher - you may go home early.

The teacher then said:

- Ask not what your country can do for you, but..

Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out:

- John F. Kennedy!

- Very good - says the teacher - you may go also.

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said:

- I wish those girls would just shut up.

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said:

- Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday.

What it all boils down to

criminals
Democrats: Give them a second chance
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

the poor
Democrats: Give them some food
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

endangered species
Democrats: give them protection
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

dictators
Democrats: give them a way out
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

the uninsured
Democrats: Give them some health care
Republicans: Given them the swift sword of death

the cost
Democrats: $9,000,000,000,000,000,000
Republicans: $29.95 (cost of one sword)

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said:

- I was going to park there!

The man was a real smart aleck and he said:

- That's what you can do when you're young and bright.

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked:

- What did you do that for?

The little old lady smiled and told him:

- That's what you can do when you're old and rich!

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:

- Jacob: Are you the owner?

- Pharmacist: Yes.

- Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?

- Pharmacist: Of course we do.

- Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?

- Pharmacist: All kinds.

- Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism?

- Pharmacist: Definitely.

- Jacob: How about Viagra?

- Pharmacist: Of course.

- Jacob: Medicine for memory?

- Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.

- Jacob: What about vitamins and sleeping pills?

- Pharmacist: Absolutely.

- Jacob: Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies.

They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said:

- Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

- Yes, I know - said the lady.

- I need both hands to hold onto this hat.

- But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! - said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied:

- Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20' behind her and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart?" No reply. Moved to 10' and inquired again. No reply. 5' and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey?" His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said:

- Where are you going?

He said:

- I'm going to the doctor.

And she said:

- Why? Are you sick?

- No - he said.

- I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said:

- Where are you going?

She said:

- I'm going to the doctor too.

He said:

- Why?

She said:

- If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot.