Newest jokes

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. Sleeping Beauty proclaimed:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world.

- No, you're not - answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

Tom Thumb shouted:

- I am the smallest person in the world.

- No, you're not - said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

Don Juan announced:

- I've had more lovers than any person in the world.

- No, you haven't - replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty:

- I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees.

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering:

- Who the hell is Bill Clinton?

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells:

- Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself.

- What? - the operator exclaimed.

- I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police! - the little old lady repeated.

- Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?

- Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!

Bumper sticker seen in Cambridge, Mass: "Re-elect President Gore in 2000"

In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women."

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same?

- Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky?

- Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the sweetest interns I've ever had.

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?" 86% replied, "Not again"

What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy?
→ John Denver made it alive out of Aspen.

Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy?
→ Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing"

How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?
→ Check the family tree.

A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at the snow-covered knoll...

What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common?
→ Wood pulp.

New bumper sticker....
"Plant A Tree....
Kill A Kennedy...."

What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers?
→ One more bullet.
→ A season lift pass.

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.

- I'd salute you back, Sergeant - says the President - but as you can see, I've got my hands full.

- Yes, sir - replies the sergeant - Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs.

- Why, these aren't pigs - the President responds - These are RAZORBACKS!

- Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir.

- Yup - Clinton continues - Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary.

The sergeant replies:

- Very good trade, sir -- very good trade.

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.

He says:

- I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries.

- Well - says Chelsea - you could throw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it.

He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.

About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.

Hillary asks:

- Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people.

He says:

- I still feel like I didn't do enough.

She says:

- Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out the window? That should make a lot of people happy.

Again he says it's a good idea and he does.

A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says:

- I still don't think I've done enough.

This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says:

- Why don't you throw yourself out the goddamn window...that will make everyone in America happy.