Newest jokes

Moscow, Russia:
First it was a flight in a MiG fighter jet. Then 30 seconds of weightlessness in a cosmonaut-training device.

Soon thrill-seeking tourists may be able to ride in a Russian submarine, tank or missile ship.

Pressed for money and burdened with surplus weaponry since the end of the Cold War, Russia is pioneering a new fad: military tourism.

The only requirements are a taste for adventure and plenty of cash.

As the plane goes into a dive from 30,000 feet, passengers in its padded zero-gravity chamber suddenly rise from the aircraft's floor.

The price for floating free for half a minute: $4,000.

Fort Worth, Texas:
Lee Lively thought he was doing the right thing when he shot a drunken driving suspect who had beaten up a policeman and was running away.

His faith was shaken when Jesus Puentes demanded $1.7 million for his wounds.

But the jury said Puentes is the one who must pay -- $1.75 million in punitive damages and $1,000 for Cpl. Randy Whisenhunt's injuries.

- We just wanted to make a statement. We're tired of the frivolous lawsuits that are plaguing our court system - juror Elsie Bowles said.

February 17, 1990, Lively saw Puentes grabbing for Whisenhunt's gun. The officer managed to knock it away, but ended up with Puentes sitting on his chest, beating his face.

Lively said he leaped out of his truck and beat Puentes to the gun. As Puentes began to run, Lively said he shouted twice for him to stop, then shot him twice in the legs.

Seattle, Washington:
The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each night about a month ago, a wind that started about sunset and ended at dawn.

Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is almost too accurate for its own good: It was detecting no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist.

Martinez, California:
Gus Kramer faces an unusual challenge in his race for county assessor: His opponents would rather see a dead man elected.

Kramer's only rival in the Contra Costa County race, Dan Hallissy, died of a heart attack April 10 -- too late for anyone else to run.

But Hallissy's name will remain on the ballot for the June 7 nonpartisan primary. And the incumbent assessor is working to get him elected.

Voters should have "a chance to elect an honest, experienced person to this office," said assessor John Biasotti.

A Hallissy victory would force a special election next March, open to any candidate.

U.S. Representative Bill Baker, a Republican, also is backing the posthumous effort. His spokesman said voters should have a choice.

Kramer, who briefly stopped campaigning to mark Hallissy's death, decried the effort as a "classical case of cronyism." He said his opponents "want the taxpayer to blow $800,000," about the cost of a special election.

Kramer also bristled at the charge he's unfit for the job, citing his experience as city clerk for Martinez and as a real estate agent for the county's Public Works Department.

The assessor's office is responsible for estimating property values in the 830,000-person county, 30 miles east of San Francisco. The job pays $84,000 a year.

Patterson, New Jersey:
When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile.

Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants.

Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.

Fargo, North Dakota:
A candidate for sheriff has challenged his opponents to a shootout, calling it a test of a law officer's ability to protect the public.

- Clearly, being the best shot doesn't necessarily make you the best sheriff, but I think it proves a point - Ken Schwab said Tuesday.

Schwab wants the four other candidates to meet him June 1 at a shooting range. Each will fire 24 rounds at targets to determine the best shot, Schwab said.

The challenge could be a problem for one candidate -- a well-known local tax protester and convicted felon who's not allowed to possess a firearm.

A bird dropped a snake over a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout.

A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."

Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas.

A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after casing the places while filling out job or rental applications. The spree ended after he accidentally signed his real name on one of the forms, police said.

Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary also.

Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn't even vote. But he won with five write-in votes.

A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies.

Corpus Christi, Texas, police said it was a hit-and-gallop accident: A man crashed his truck into the back of a car, then fled on the horse he was pulling in the trailer.

Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.

- Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?

- Witness: Yes.

- Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?

- Witness: Yes.

- Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?

- Witness: Yes.

- Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!!

- Witness: Yes.

- Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?

- Witness: Yes, correct.

- Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?

- Witness: No.

- Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!

- Witness: I saw him spit it out.

(Dead Silence)

- Attorney: No more questions.

Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated Press

A fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.

Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.

Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.

One day in line for the automatic teller I overheard:

- Person 1: Gee, I don't get it..

- Person 2: What's wrong?

- Person 1: My card wont work.

- Person 2: Did anything happen to it?

- Person 1: I don't think so... It wasn't working very well for a while, so I rubbed the strip on the back with a magnet to recharge it... Now it isn't working at all!