Newest jokes

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said:

- Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?

The judge's face went red and he roared:

- It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!

The defendant nodded and then asked:

- Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?

The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied:

- Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts.

The defendant smiled and said:

- Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!

A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.

Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.

A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.

Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.

Before reaching the door, the bartender yells:

- Hey Pig...aren't you going to pee on the floor like the others?

To which the pig replies:

- No you idiot! Everyone knows that the last little piggy goes WEE WEE WEE - all the way home!

A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.

So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.

- Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal - the salesman said.

- What makes him so special? - the man asked.

The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells.." and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing "Deck the halls..."

So the man asked:

- What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?

- Well I don't know - answered the salesman.

So he holds the lighter between the parrot's legs and instantly Chet began to sing:

- Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife:

- Get me a beer before it starts!

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says:

- Get me another beer before it starts!

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says:

- Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!

The wife is furious. She yells at him:

- Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...

The man sighs and says:

- It's started...

Santa's Reindeer are girls and here's the proof:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said:

- Ma'am did you know you were speeding?

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks:

- What did he say?

The old man yells:

- He says you were speeding!

The patrolman says:

- May I see your license?

The woman turns to her husband and asks again:

- What did he say?

The old man yells:

- He wants to see your license!

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says:

- I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.

The woman turned to her husband and asked:

- What did he say?

And the old man yells:

- He said he knows you!

It was spring in the old west.

The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

- Hold on there, partner - said the snake

- don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want.

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said:

- OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding.

The rattlesnake said:

- All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted:

- Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him:

- I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You're a great lover, Morris!

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says:

- WHAT?... You mean I was here already?!

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says:

- You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well:

- Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember - she says

- I am going to treat you like a king!

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her:

- Honey? - he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again:

- Honey? - he whispers.

She rolls over and yells:

- Oh sure!... You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!