Newest jokes

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

- Hit him again - the 5-year-old said.

- He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said:

- The first one was a girl.

- What did you name her?!?

- Denise!

- Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?

- The second one was a boy.

- Oh, and what did you name him?

- Denephew.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man:

- Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins.

- What a coincidence! - the man said with some obvious pride.

- I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man:

- You, sir, are the father of triplets.

- Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence - he answered.

- I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

- Don't tell me another coincidence? - asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said:

- I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked:

- Sir, are you all right?

- Yes - says the man

- I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store.

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said:

- Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?

Tommy burst into tears and confessed:

- I think Mommy ate it!

Great truths about life that adults have learned

- Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

- There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

- One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

- Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

- The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

- Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

- Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

- Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

- Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

- My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.

- Father, Can I ask you a question?

- Ok ask.

- When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.

- !!!??????!!!

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

- Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?

The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said:

- If there's anything you want to know, just ask me.

Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
→ I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
What warning did you give the other party before the collision?
→ Horn

What warning was given by the other party?
→ Moo