Newest jokes

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him:

- I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?

- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- Patient: Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??

- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.

- He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup - the clerk explains:

- So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.

- Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot - the owner shouts angrily.

- Sure it will - the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall:

- Look at him. He's afraid to cough.

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.

- No fancy stuff, Doctor - he ordered:

- No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.

- I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you - said the dentist admiringly:

- Now, which tooth is it?

Mr. Smith turned to his wife..

- Show him, honey.

A British doctor says:

- Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says:

- That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says:

- In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says:

- You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

- Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?

- Friend: But your kid didn't smile.

- Father: I was talking about the nurse.

- I'll tell you - he said:

- I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease.

- Crueller than cancer? - his friend asked.

- You bet - the first codger replied:

- It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one.

In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?" The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!" "How can you tell?" asks girl baby. "Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See..... blue booties"

A short history of medicine:

I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.