Newest jokes

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
→ A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered:

- You've got to keep that old motor running.

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:

- You really are amazing. How do you do it?

He again said:

- You've got to keep the old motor running.

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:

- You must be quite a man.

He responded:

- You've got to keep that old motor running.

The nurse then said:

- Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!

A new two year degree is being offered at Life University...

Becoming a Real Man!

That's right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.

Please take a moment to look over the program outline:

First Year

Autumn Schedule

- MEN 101... Combating Stupidity

- MEN 102... You too can do housework

- MEN 103... PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shut

- MEN 104... We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule

- MEN 110... Wonderful Laundry Techniques

- MEN 111... Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4 a.m.

- MEN 112... Parenting: It doesn't end with conception

- MEN 113... Get a life, learn to cook

Spring Schedule

- MEN 120... How NOT to act like an asshole when you're wrong

- MEN 121... Understanding your incompetence

- MEN 122... You, the weaker sex

- MEN 123... Reasons to give flowers

Second Year

Autumn Schedule

- SEX 101... You CAN fall asleep without it

- SEX 102... Morning Dilemma: If it's awake, take a shower

- MEN 201... How to stay awake after sex

- MEN 202... How to put the toilet seat down

Winter Schedule

- MEN 210... The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies

- MEN 211... How NOT to act younger that your children

- MEN 212... You too can be a designated driver

- MEN 213... Honest - You don't look like Russel Wong - Especially naked

Spring Schedule

- MEN 220... Omitting @#%! from your vocabulary

- MEN 221... Fluffing the blanket after farting in not necessary

- MEN 222... Real men ask for directions

- MEN 223... Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?

1. Cain wasn't Abel.
2. Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3. King David sat on the throne for forty years.
4. Solomon - neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5. Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

"Old" is when...

- your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

- you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

- when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

- "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

- "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

- an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.

What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

- English: I Love you

- Spanish: Te Amo

- French: Je T'aimes

- German: Ich Liebe Dich

- Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

- Italian: Ti Amo

- Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

- Swedish: Jag Alskar

- Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky: Nice Tits

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers."
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Your REAL friends still love you anyway.

I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.

My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

What kind of engine do they use in golf carts?
→ Fore cyclinder.

I say a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.

An univeristy student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the heart before the course.

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police. They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.

Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves!

When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further steps would be taken.

People who talk about false gods are engaged in idol gossip.

A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife:

- Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

She hesitated a while and said:

- Yes, 3 times.

- Three times!? how did it happen? - he asks.

"Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"

"Yes, that was really a terrible time."

"Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?"

- It is hard to believe - he said, but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you.

She continued:

- And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?

"Of course I remember."

"Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?"

- Yes - he said, that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. But tell me, what was the third time?

She responded:

- Do you remember when you ran for Temple president...and needed 23 more votes?

The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.

I ran my finger down her spin.

I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.

And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.

My first time ever........................

Milking a cow!

(And what were YOU thinking about?)