Seen in the want ads:
A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogslegs, who appreciates a good fuc-schia garden, classic music and tal-king without getting too serious.
Feel free to apply, but please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.
A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
- Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman and he went hunting as often as he could.
The other was his friend who is a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to - it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop:
- Hey! - he said.
- Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?
Yesterday, after extensive testing, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones... yes, it's true.
To prove their theory, the scientists had 100 men consume 12 bottles of beer.
They then observed that 100% of them:
No further testing is planned.
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
- I'm about to close - the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says:
- I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!
The doctor hands him the thread and says:
- Go ahead...
Suture self!
A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
- My fellow scientists - he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted:
- he's a &^^%@)&!
Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again:
- My fellow scientists,
Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled:
- this dumb %@(&+! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent $3%$##+=!
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist:
- We are going to have to arrest you.
The scientist replied:
- For what? You can't arrest me for killing a clone!
The attending scientists nodded in agreement.
- Well! - retorted the police chief.
He thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for...
- Making an obscene clone fall...
Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said:
- Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.
She asked Ole his occupation.
- Diesel fitter - he replied.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.
When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.
The clerk explained:
- When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers.
Skill!...
- What skill? - yelled Sven.
- I sew the elastic on...
He pulls on it and says,.....
- Yep, diesel fitter.
A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.
- Oh, my - exclaimed the lady.
- Come on, I'll clean you!
She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter. She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird. Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.
And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling... Pssssst...
- Hey, lady!
- Yes? - she responded.
- Do you have a Kleenex? - asked the voice from the bushes.
- No, not anymore - she answered.
- Damn! Have ya' seen any Ducks?
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells:
- PULLOVER!
- NO - she yelled back over the sound of the siren:
- It's a SCARF!
Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )
Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
→ No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.
Are you married?
→ No, I'm divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
→ A lot of things I didn't know about.
Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
→ No.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
→ Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
→ Attached to the ears.
And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
→ Oral.
How old are you?
→ Oral.
Do you drink when you're on duty?
→ I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
→ Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!
Are you sexually active?
→ No, I just lie there.
