Newest jokes

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper:

- This man - he announced - called in sick yesterday!

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator:

- Wow - he said - just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!

Real Mothers . . .

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says:

- because I love you best.

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark!?!"

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a Italian bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements: Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.

The prize-winning essay read:

- My God - said the Queen. I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said:

- My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!

The second guy says:

- That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!

- She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?

- Easy...

Every night she places a burnt offering before me!

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said:

- I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave.

The cadet replied:

- Not me, Sarge...no sir!

I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend:

- Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?

- I sure did - responded the pessimist.

- Your dog can't swim!

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrior.
8 years-old. Hateful little dog.

Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog

Free Puppies:
Part German Shepherd
Part Stupid Dog

German Shepherd - 85lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free!

1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer

Amana Washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Snow blower for sale.
Only used on snowy days.

2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.

Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,
Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto
Excellent Condition, $6,800.

83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000

Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15

Soft & Genital Bath Tissues
or Facial Tischue - $.89

Full-Sized Mattress
20 Year Warranty
Like New! Slight urine smell.

FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans
With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home

Nordic Track $300
Hardly used. Call Chubbie.

Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"

Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks

HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!
"If it's in stock, we have it!"

Get a Little John:
The Traveling Urinal
Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.

Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club

Georgia Peaches
California Grown - $.89/lb.

Nice Parachute
Never Opened - Used Once
Slightly Stained

American Flag
60 Stars - Pole Included - $100

Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.

Exercise Equipment
Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175

Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!
And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.

Joining Nudist Colony!
Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.

Alzheimer's Center Prepares
for an Affair to Remember

Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell

Open House!
Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free Coffee & Donuts

Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.

Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes - Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed.

- Renounce Satan! - yelled Father Sullivan.

- No! - said the dying man.

- I say, renounce the devil and his works!

- No way! - the man repeats.

- And why, in the name of all that is holy, not? - asks Father Murphy.

- Because - said the dying man...

- I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start pissing anyone off!