Newest jokes

A black couple we're invited to a Halloween party and were trying to decide what to dress up as.

The wife says:

- how about Hanzel and Gretel?

Nah...they were white, her husband replied.

Ok, how about Raggedy Ann and Andy?

No way! They're white too and have huge ugly freckles!

So the wife tells her husband to think of something since he always has a smart remark for her choices.

So he thinks a bit and then pops up:

- I got it!

We'll go as Heshey Bars!

- Heshey bars? - replies his wife... - are you nuts!

Exactly! One with nuts, and one without!

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking:

- What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?

Tom says:

- I would switch one train to another track.

- What if the lever broke? - asks the inspector.

- I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever - answers Tom.

- What if that had been struck by lightning? - challenges the inspector.

- Then - Tom continues - I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.

- What if the phone was busy?

- In that case - Tom argues - I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.

- What if that had been vandalized?

- Oh, well - says Tom - in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks:

- Why would you do that?

- Because he's never seen a train crash!

Heart Attacks...
God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

I'm an imbecile and I vote

Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Grow your own dope, plant a man

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone really bad...
Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots...
I married their king.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs

Don't drink and drive...
You might hit a bump and spill it

We are born naked, wet, and hungry....
Then things get worse.

A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He looks at his mom and says:

- Mom, look, I'm a white boy!

His mom slaps him in the kisser and says:

- Go show your father!

He goes to his dad in the living room and says:

- Look dad, I'm a white boy!

His dad slaps him hard in the face and says:

- Go show your Grandmother!

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says:

- Look granny, I'm a white boy!

His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says:

- See. Did you learn anything from that?!

To which the boy replies:

- Sure enough did. I've only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black people!

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says:

- Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says:

- I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says:

- I want the house.

Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says:

- I want the kids too.

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says:

- I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says:

- Is there anything you want?

The husband says:

- No, I've got everything I need right here.

She asks:

- What's that?

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph...:

- I've got the airbag!

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

- So, are you feeling any better now? - says the little guy.

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said:

- What's wrong honey?

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said:

- Mommy, where's my booger?

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

- Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said:

- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

A passenger in Coach piped up:

- That's nothing... You should see the back of mine!

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender:

- give us two beers over here!

The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says:

- Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!

The man say's to the bartender:

- oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.

The bartender replied back:

- well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!

The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.

The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and says:

- alright lets try one more

This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says:

- lets see him play this!

The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.

The bartender shouted out:

- See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!

And the man replies:

- Just give him a few more minutes...as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says:

- Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?

The drunk looks back and says:

- Yes, Preacher, I sure am.

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up:

- Have you found Jesus? - the preacher asked.

- Nooo, I didn't! - said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says:

- Now, brother, have you found Jesus?

- Noooo, I have not, Reverend.

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone:

- My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...:

- Are you sure this is where he fell in?