Newest jokes

THOR, the God of Love wakes up the morning after the orgy.

As he sits up, stretches and looks around, he sees a beautiful, shapely, young blonde standing in the doorway.

He walks over and says:

- Good morning, I'm THOR!

She looks back at him with blue eyes and a comely smiles and says:

- YOUR THOR...

I'M SO THOR I CAN'T PITH!

What goes TICK-TICK, WOOF-WOOF?
→ A watchdog!

Why do male deer need braces?
→ Because they have "buck teeth!"

1. Silence, the final frontier - Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits.
3. Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9. Valuation - Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13. Driving a car safely - A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones - How to hang up.
16. Parking - Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced) - Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel - Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight - It's not water retention, it's fat.
20. Learning to cook I - Bran in not food.
21. Learning to cook II - Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments - How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS - Your problem, not his.

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, its yours.

One day the Lone Ranger and his companion Tonto were walking through the desert when Tonto suddenly stopped, bent down to the ground and said:

- Buffalo Come!

And the Lone Ranger said:

- How do you know Tonto?

Tonto replied:

- Ear stuck to ground...

Men are like....
Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like....
Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ....
Vacations. They never seem long enough.

Men are like....
Bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like ....
Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.

Men are like....
Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.

Men are like....
Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.

Men are like....
Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like....
Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like....
Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like....
Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like....
Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like....
Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like....
Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, you're riding it.

Men are like....
Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like....
Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ....
Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

A new list of the "World's Shortest Books":

- STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED - by Elizabeth Taylor

- BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno

- HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver

- DOWN HILL SKIING - by Sonny Bono

- HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino

- FLYING AT NIGHT - by JFK, Jr.

- THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton

- MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - by Ronald Reagan

- THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - by Bill Gates

- MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

- THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

- THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH - by the Ramseys

- AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

- AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

- DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

- DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

- MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

- THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

- HELLEN KELLER'S BIRDWATCHING GUIDE

Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said:

- Nice pigs, Sir!

The President replied:

- These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied:

- Nice trade, Sir!

Isn't this the truth!...

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

- Why are you eating grass? - he asked one man.

- We don't have any money for food. - the poor man replied.

- Oh, come along with me then.

- But sir, I have a wife with two children!

- Bring them along! And you, come with us too! - he said to the other man.

- But sir, I have a wife with six children! - the second man answered.

- Bring them as well!

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says:

- Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied:

- No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!