Newest jokes

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear:

- Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom:

- Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?

A little girl asks her Mom:

- May I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom says:

- No honey, the dog is in heat.

- What's that mean? - asked the child.

- Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage.

The little girl goes to the garage and says:

- Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you

Her Dad said:

- Bring Susie over here

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said:

- Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.

The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Her Dad asks:

- Where's Susie?

The girl replies:

- Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there's another dog pushing her home!

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

- I want to get screwed - said the man.

- OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot - answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.

Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

- Hey - exclaimed the sport:

- I want to get screwed!

- What? - said the voice:

- Again?

Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants:
New company will be called - Poupon Pants.

Knott's Berry Farms and National Organization of Women:
New company will be called - Knott NOW!!!

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

- Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes! - she exclaimed.

No - said the genie:

- You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.

- Lets see - says Monica:

- I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.

- And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want.

- I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.

- Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.

Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.

The Doc says:

- Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.

- What do you mean! - The guy says.

- Can't you tell the difference?

Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what ya do...
Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, - don't have sex with her anymore!

John receives a phone call.

- Hello - he answers.

The voice on the other end says:

- This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.

- hmmm... Susan? You say we met 3 months ago? - John

- Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport. - Susan

- Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been? - John

- Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself. - Susan

- Say, you really ARE a good sport! - John

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None 'o yo' freakin' bitness!

How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Both of them.

How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ How many can you afford?

How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "Twelve. Ya got a problem with dat?"

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims:

- Damn, some asshole has my pen!

Jesus walks upon a crowd with an adulteress crouching in a corner with a mob around her preparing to stone her to death.

Jesus stops them and says:

- Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!

Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.

At which point Jesus looks over and says...

- Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!