A girl goes on a blind date.
The blind date hadn't been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, her date suddenly said:
- Hey! You wanna see my underwear?
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
She glanced down and said:
- Nice design - does it also come in men's sizes?
Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
- Not yet - replied little Johnny.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, now he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
- How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? - he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:
- Are you going to tell him, or should I?
Did you hear about the Indian who drank 200 cups of tea?
→ He drowned in his TeePee!
An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.
He left her a note saying:
- Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton.
He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:
- Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.
The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...
- It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter:
- Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded:
- Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter:
- Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced:
- Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says:
- Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.
The mexican man pleads with them:
- No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says:
- Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him:
- The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says:
- Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.
They both decided it was time to get married.
So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
- Where will you live? - asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.
- Well - said Little Johnny:
- I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us.
- And how will you live?
- I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.
That should be enough.
Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked:
- And what if little ones come along?
- Well - said Little Johnny:
- we've been lucky so far!
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test -- and best of all -- you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible -- and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
You are now properly prepared. Final thoughts for women readers:
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day - and when we have real trouble - it's HISterectomy.
Here's a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.
This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! :)
MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST - Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST - Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST - Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST - Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST - Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women) - Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men) - Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT - Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!
