A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted:
- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!
I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped:
- I don't think that is going to help much, hon?
- Sure it does - he said.
- How else can I can see the numbers!
Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...
- Class - said he - My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.... What am I?
A little boy on the front row said:
- You're a mother!
Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted:
- Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.
Elsewhere...
In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Bubba" Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police. Meanwhile...
In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall... Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police. And...
In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts proceeded to pay his $400 bail...entirely in quarters. Stranger yet....
Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. When asked about his choice of attire, he said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable. . .
In the Heartland...
Lawrence, Kansas - Officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes. . .
And Finally. . .
In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front. . .
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.
- I need someone with an accounting degree - the man said.
- But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.
- How's that? - the would be accountant asked.
- I worry about a lot of things - the man said.
- But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.
- I see - the accountant said.
- And how much will my position pay?
- I'll start you at eighty five thousand - responded the owner decisively.
- Eighty five thousand dollars! - the accountant exclaimed.
- How can such a small business afford a sum like that?
- That - the owner said - is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.
A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped:
- My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.
The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said:
- Okay, buddy, where's my hundred?
The man said:
- Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said...
- Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
- Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:
- We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said:
- I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial --it went like this:
Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
→ No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Officer, who provided this description?
→ The officer who responded to the scene.
A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
→ Yes sir, with my life.
WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
→ Yes sir, we do.
And do you have a locker in that room?
→ Yes sir, I do.
And do you have a lock on your locker?
→ Yes sir.
Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
→ You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room...
So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks:
- Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?
The guy says:
- Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?
The fella says:
- Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!
