Newest jokes

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said:

- Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane

Every year Martha would say:

- Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs

So Stumpy says:

- By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go.

Martha replies:

- Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.

So the pilot overhears them and says:

- Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars.

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing... so fair is fair and he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says:

- By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!

And Stumpy replies:

- Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha theah fell out... but then, ten dollahs IS ten dollahs!

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked:

- What flag is this?

A little girl called out:

- That's the flag of our country.

- Very good - the teacher said.

- And what is the name of our country?

- 'Tis of thee - the girl said confidently.

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said:

- Who can tell me what this is?

A little girl raised her hand.

- Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?

- It's a cow, teacher.

- Very good, Janie - said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.

- What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

- ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign:

This parking space belongs to the Wizard.... Violators will be toad!

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation:

- What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?

- Land mines - replied the Kuwaiti woman.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself:

- Oh God, I'm doomed!

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out:

- No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again:

- Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

- What's it about? - he asked.

- I don't know - she replied. I can't read.

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote:

- How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote:

- I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!

- Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

- I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead

- Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat

- Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton

- Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt

- Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control

- If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees

- If You Can Read This...

Kiss A Teecher

- Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

- If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There

- Procrastinate Now

- Rehab Is for Quitters

- (Across a drawing of a skeleton) Waiting for the Perfect Man

- My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... .... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse

- The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley

- Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs

- Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

- Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker

- W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace

- 3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood

- John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi

- Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home

- Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine

- 3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera

- Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants

- Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!

- Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da