Newest jokes

How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
→ You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
→ She kept throwing out all the "W"s!

What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
→ She peed on her corn flakes.

Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days?
→ It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Why do Blondes take the pill?
→ So they know what day of the week it is.

What do you call a smart blond?
→ A golden retriever!

Nowe u two can rite gud!

Howe two rite gud
Frank L. Visco
Vice-president and Senior Copywriter at US Advertising.

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

- Avoid alliteration. Always.

- Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

- Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

- Employ the vernacular.

- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

- Contractions aren't necessary.

- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

- One should never generalize.

- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

- Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

- Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

- Profanity sucks dick.

- Be more or less specific.

- Understatement is always best.

- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

- One-word sentences? Never.

- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

- The passive voice is to be avoided.

- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

- Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

- Who needs rhetorical questions?

- Be careful to use apostrophe's correctly.

- Do not use them pronouns as modifiers.

- And never start a sentence with a conjunction.

What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal while eating the clown?
→ "Does this taste funny to you?"

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehova, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday..."

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