Newest jokes

How do you know if you are a geek?
→ Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $500.00

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
→ The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.

1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
14. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
15. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
16. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
17. A .44 Magnum beats four aces.

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.

One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time."

50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy...

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Cry.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
20. Cry.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
23. Fall for your FAC.
24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
25. Correct their grammar.
26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
28. Leave out the good parts in stories.
29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
31. Cry.
32. Declare that you are not wacko.
33. Criticize the way they dress.
34. Criticize the music they listen to.
35. Criticize their hair.
36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
37. Try to change them.
38. Try to mold them.
39. Try to get them to dance.
40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
43. Blame everything on PMS.
44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
47. Read into everything.
48. Over-analyze everything.
49. Cry.
50. Make it your goal to make THEM cry.

University

To: Professor [ ]
From: [ ]

I think my grade in your course, [ ], should be changed from [ ] to [ ] for the following reasons:

1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
   [ ] Law School
   [ ] Medical School
   [ ] Graduate School
   [ ] Dental School
   [ ] My Fraternity/Sorority
   [ ] The Mickey Mouse Club
   [ ] Tri County Tech
4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in [ ].
5. I'll lose my scholarship.
6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
10. You are prejudiced against:
    [ ] Males [ ] Jews [ ] Blacks
    [ ] Females [ ] Catholics [ ] Whites
    [ ] Protestants [ ] Moslems [ ] Minorities
    [ ] Chicanos [ ] People [ ] Students
11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
    [ ] mono
    [ ] broken baby finger
    [ ] acute alcoholism
    [ ] pregnancy
    [ ] VD
    [ ] fatherhood
13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
16. The lectures were:
    [ ] too detailed to pick out important points
    [ ] not explained in sufficient detail
    [ ] too boring
    [ ] all jokes and not enough material
    [ ] all of the above
17. This course was:
    [ ] too early, I was not awake.
    [ ] at lunchtime, I was hungry
    [ ] too late, I was tired
18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
19. Other

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
7. You own a homemade fur coat.
8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
17. Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
18. Birds are attracted to your beard.
19. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
21. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
22. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
23. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
25. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.
27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
31. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
33. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
34. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
37. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
40. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
41. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
43. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.
45. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
47. You've ever bought a used cap.
48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
50. You've ever financed a tattoo.
51. You've ever stolen toilet paper.
52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
58. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
60. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
61. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
65. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
68. You own a denim leisure suit.
69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
71. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
73. You have a rag for a gas cap.
74. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
77. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
78. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."
79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
83. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
84. All of your four letter words are two syllables.
85. You've ever been too drunk to fish?
86. You cut your toenails in front of company.
87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
89. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
90. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
91. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
93. You can spit without opening your mouth.
94. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
95. You call your boss "dude".
96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
97. You have grease under your toenails.
98. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
101. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
102. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
108. Your wife's hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
109. Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
110. Your house doesn't have curtains but your pick-up does.
111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the "Lube Rack".
112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
113. Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.
115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.
117. Your family tree doesn't fork.
118. Directions to your house include the phrase "turn off the paved road".
119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at bingo.
121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
124. You've been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.
125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.
126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos".
127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle.
132. Your brother and sister get divorced...from each other.
133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture...and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.
134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.

Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:

- Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

- Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

- Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

- All the mile markers are missing this year.

- Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

- Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

- Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

- Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.

- Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

- The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

- A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call __ __ __.

- Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

- Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

- Need more signs to keep area pristine.

- A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

- The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

- I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.

- Too many rocks in the mountains.

Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares
11. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45 minute pause.
12. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"
13. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia
14. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.
15. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.
16. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.
17. His wings are pinned to his bare chest
18. When you fly over international date line, he yells, "Dude! We're, like, time traveling!"
19. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop

Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
→ She tied up the safe and blew the guard!