Newest jokes

Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go to the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house

I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa S**thead, whoa A**hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.

A f**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will s**t,
Do I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...

- Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

- No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

- Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.

- Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

- Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!

- Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."

- Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

- Embalming fluid bottle looks an awful lot like Colt 45 bottle.

- Toe tag paper cuts.

- The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

- Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."

- Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs us money.

- At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

- Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

...and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...

Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says:

- I need a cigarette.

- But honey - his lover says.

- The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed.

- That's okay - He quips.

- I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue.

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.

The first nun walks over to the young man.

- Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser! - She exclaimed.

She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over.

- What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too. She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise.

- Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other:

- Just a minute, I'll be right back.

He goes into the confessional and says:

- Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.

The Father says:

- You need to say 40 Hail Marys, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.

The confessor replies:

- Yes Father, they were.

The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.

The man said:

- Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.

The priest responded:

- Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly?

The man replied:

- No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that!

The priest says:

- Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?

Exasperated the man said:

- No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!

The priest said:

- Well then I'm going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!

The man said:

- OK, fine. and left.

As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said:

- So, how did it go?

The confessor said:

- Great! 6 months off, and two leads!

What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?
→ Hey... Nice Tits!!!

The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, who's president earned his MBA from UCLA, "How much will your company charge for this project?"

- 2 million - said Bruin.

- 1 million for materials and 1 million for labor.

Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered:

- 3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits.

Finally, the president asks the last company, Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered:

- 4 million.

- FOUR MILLION - yelled the president of ABC.

- How do you breakdown the cost?

Trojan replied:

- 1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.

The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife:

- Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?

The farmer's wife replied:

- It needs to be a little bigger around.

So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again:

- How does it feel now?

The farmer's wife responded:

- I think it needs to be a little longer.

So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife:

- How was the Martian man?

To this, the farmer's wife replied:

- Fine.

- And how about the Martian woman?

The farmer replied:

- That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!

Cinderella REALLY wanted to go to Prince Charming's ball, but as you know the evil stepsisiers and stepmother will not let her. So they leave her all alone on the big night, cleaning the place.

- Oh, how I wish I could go! - Cinderella sighed.

No sooner had she said this than her Fairy Godmother appeared, holding a long, beautiful white dress.

- Here, god-child - the fairy said.

- try this on.

So Cinderella puts the thing on, and it fits perfectly, except she notices some red drops on the white fabric.

- Dammit - Cinderella said.

- of all the lousy nights to get my period!

So the God mother presents her with a magic Tampon to solve the problem, but the tampon has a warning on it:

- Please return to the house by midnight or the tampon will be turned into a pumpkin.

Cinderella puts it in her and goes to the Ball.

Meanwhile, the Fairy Godmother awaits Cinderella's return. 10 o'clock -- 11 o'clock -- 12 o'clock -- 1 o'clock

Finally, at around 3 in the morning, a very out of breath Cinderella stumbles in.

- My God! What happened to you? What about the tampon? What about the prince?

- Forget the prince - Cinderella sighed.

- At around one o'clock I met the most amazing guy...

Peter Peter something...