Newest jokes

Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist?
→ He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked. While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him:

- Have you done oral sex lately?

The man replied:

- Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Did you find a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?

The dentist says:

- No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!

I love to go to the dentist. A man in white hovering over me while I'm trapped helpless in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my mouth.

And just when I don't think I can take it anymore, he says:

- Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now. - Marcie, from the "Married With Children" sitcom.

1. Thank you - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
7. What am I - flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. I'm just ignoring you.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of calories to burn off.
12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people realize I'm right.
16. Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location (a very rich area - expected around $200,000 in cash daily). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, "Where is my money." The man replied that he didn't know and said that he would find him. The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Big's office. Mr. Big said, "Where the fuck is my money?" The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said:

- What the fuck is this?

The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.

Mr. Big said:

- Do you know how to read sign language?

The man said, "No, but I'll find someone who can." He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same.

- Well - says Mr. Big.

- What did he say?

She says he said:

- Fuck You!

Mr. Big replied:

- You'd better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you.

The girl asks him again, "Where is the money?" and the man again replied in sign language. "What did he say this time?" asked Mr. Big.

He said, "Fuck You, again". With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, "If he doesn't tell me where my money is, I'll cut off his head and throw him in the river!"

She told this to the man and this time he answered, "It's under the front seat of my car", again in sign language. "Well," asked Mr. Big, "What did he say this time?"

She replied:

- He said Fuck You!

Do you suppose that it occurs to the power company that they are making a double pun when they send their bill commanding "Please Pay Current Charges"?

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

- Marry him anyway, dear - the Mother said.

- Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is.

A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said:

- Your check came back.

The old man replied:

- So did my arthritis!

- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

- Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

- Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

- Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." Caution - Leave air holes.

- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

- There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

- The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

- Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.