Newest jokes

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

- OK, follow me, - he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

- Now, do you see that tree over there? - he asked.

- YES, YES, YES!! - the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

- Good! - said the first bat.

- Because I fucking didn't!

A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife:

- You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're on the trucks ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we're going to screw all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled:

- Bell 1, - and his wife took off all here clothes.

- Bell 2, - and his wife jumped into bed.

- Bell3, - and they began to screw.

After 2 minutes his wife yelled:

- Bell 4.

- What's this Bell 4? - asked her husband.

- More hose, - she replied,

- You're nowhere near the fire!

The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts.

Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.

After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.

The artist said:

- You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts, - he explained.

- That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?'

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughterWho had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-lawAnd changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,Although it brought me joy,I soon became the fatherOf a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then becameA brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,Then that also made him brotherTo the widow's grown-up daughterWho, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's motherAnd it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,It simply drives me wild.

For now I have becomeThe strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,I am my own grandpa!

Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job.

One day, a woman comes to the stand:

- Hey, sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?

- I dont know - replies the stupid cashier.

The woman leaves unsatisfied.

THe boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams:

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!

- 10 cents? I will have to remember that - said the cashier.

The next day, another woman comes:

- hey sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?

- 10 cents ma'am

- Really?, are they fresh?

- I dont know

So the woman leaves.

The boss, having spied this screams:

- WELL OFCOURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?

So the cashier memorizes:

- Yes, very fresh

The next day, another woman comes and says:

- Hey sonny, now much do those cigaretts cost?

- 10 cents - He replies.

- Are they fresh?

- Very fresh

- Should I buy them?

- I dont know

So the woman leaves.

The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again:

- YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY 'If you dont, somebody else will' OK?

- ok, gotcha boss

So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun.

He goes up to the cash register and screams:

- HEY, how much money is in that cash register?

- 10 cents sir

- WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?

- Yes, very fresh sir

- SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?

- If you dont, somebody else will

10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."6. "Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?"5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."4. "Sorry about the mess..."3. "Look at the size of that thing!"2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

Two cannibals meet one day...

The first cannibal says:

- You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender.

The second cannibal asks:

- What kind of Missionary do you use?

The reply:

- You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.

- Ah, Ha! - the second cannibal replies.

- No wonder--those are fryers!

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing. A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

"What's brown and sticky? A stick.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?

"Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.

What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of RoomWhat does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.

Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says...

"OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

- I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer:

- I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A BLONDE woman timidly spoke up:

- I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

- Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me! - she told him earnestly.

- Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes - he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She beganto massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked:

- Does that feel better?

The man looked up at her and replied:

- Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!