Newest jokes

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her:

- go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?

The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims:

- I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her.

He says:

- Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says:

- That's easy! It's M!

21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM!

- EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

- SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

- CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

- TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

- INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

- CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

- WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

- FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

- ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

- CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

- SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

- PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

- DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

- TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

- EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

- FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

- LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

- DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

- DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

- CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

- RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

The Yoko Club?
→ Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
→ I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
→ Pardon me?

The Arafat club?
→ Yessir.

The Alzheimer's club?
→ Forget it.

The Ebert movie club?
→ Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
→ You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
→ Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
→ Noh.

The quarterback club?
→ I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club?
→ I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club?
→ Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?
→ Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
→ Sure.

The pregnancy club?
→ Conceivably.

The Procrastinator's Club?
→ Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders?
→ They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society?
→ Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club?
→ Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?
→ God willing!

A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.

The husband asks:

- Did we break that too?

- Yes - replies the man.

- Sorry. Do you live here? - the husband asks.

- No, actually, I'm a genie. The man states:

- I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?

The husband thinks a moment:

- First, make my wife a better golfer.

- Poof! She's a better golfer - the genie announces.

- Second, I want a million bucks a week for life.

- Poof! you get a million bucks a week - the genie announces.

- Good. OK, what do you want? - asks the husband.

- For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife - grins the genie.

- Hmmm - the husband hesitated:

- I guess that's all right. After all, she broke your lamp, you've made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead.

So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the "genie" says to the wife:

- How long have you known your husband?

- Ten years - she replies.

- How long has he believed in this genie stuff?

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:

- Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:

1. You can't beat me (as my first husband did).
2. You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).
3. You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't).

A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.

- Can I help you? - she says.

- I'm here about your ad in the paper.

- Which ad is that?

- The one looking for a husband.

She says:

- Uhm, well, there were certain criteria...

- Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms.

- Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria.

- And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs.

- Well, yes, that's true... but there was one other thing that is very important...

- Ah, yes, well... how do you think I rang the door bell?

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
→ What for? He can't see my license plate.

Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
→ The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

When driving through fog, what should you use?
→ Your car.

How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
→ Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
→ I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
→ I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
→ Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
→ The color.

How do you deal with heavy traffic?
→ Heavy psychedelics.

What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
→ Carry loaded weapons.

Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
→ It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.

She replies:

- Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken.

It was New Year's Eve ... by then, actually, it was very early on New Year's morning. The drunk staggered out of the men's room and wobbled his way to the bar.

- I, uh, lll..., I'll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble.

The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk's sharp looking suit.

- Buddy, it looks to me like you've had quite enough. Why don't you call it a night and go home.

The drunk protests...:

- N-n-no! I ca-can't. My, my wife, you, you see... She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it... She, she's gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble...

- Tell you what - the bartender says.

- You got any 20 dollar bills on you?

The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies...:

- Y-yeah, I got a few....

The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk.

- There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!

- B-br-brilliant! - the drunk exclaims excitedly.

- Thish jush might w-work!

The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand.

- Look at you! You're a disgrace! Look at what you've done to your new suit!

- N-no hunnybunsh - the drunk stammers...

- Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened...

The wife looks in the drunk's pocket and pulls out the money.

- Wait a minute... - the wife says.

- there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.

The drunk reels, regroups, and explains...:

- Wha-wha... Well thass because after he puked on me, he ... he took a crap in my pants!

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice:

- Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner:

- Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her.

- Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help.

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

- Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you - she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said:

- Yes?

- Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please? - said the officer.

- Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle - he replied confidently.

- Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.

Military training: During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

- You simpleton! - the officer barked.

- Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?

- Yes sir - the soldier answered apologetically.

- But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it!