Newest jokes

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says:

- OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart.

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he's done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

- Who the heck's that? - she says.

- It's Paul McCartney - he replies.

- Doesn't look like him at all - says she.

- Now get it right or I'll report you.

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he's done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off:

- No way that's Paul Mccartney - she says.

- It bloody well is - says the man.

- Listen I'll get a second opinion

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who's been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. There's the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)...:

- Tell me who the hell you think that is.

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice):

- I've no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson!

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said:

- Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?

- That doesn't prove anything - the woman countered.

- Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says:

- Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

- The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.

Harry says:

- My God!... What's the good news?

The doctor says:

- I'm kidding. She's dead!

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.

He says:

- Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm... I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh.

He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says:

- Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said...'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!'

What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?
→ Kitchy-kitchy-koo.

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked:

- What'd you do that fer?

- That's fer fifty years of bad sex - she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked:

- What was that fer?

- That - said her husband as he began to rock again, is fer knowin' the difference!

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender says:

- We don't serve mushrooms here.

The mushroom says:

- Why?! I'm a fun guy!

Joe was sitting in his favorite bar having a few beers after work, when a beautiful woman sat down next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite place her.

- Hi, Joe - she said.

- I haven't seen you in a long time.

Joe was puzzled.

- Charlie, is that you? What are you doing dressed up like a woman?

- Well, Joe. It's a long story, but the bottom line is that I always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body, so I finally decided to do something about it. After a number of operations, I am now a woman.

Joe was initially shocked, but after admiring Charlie's breasts, he said:

- Damn, Charlie, I bet it was pretty painful to have those implants put in.

- Yeah, but that wasn't the most painful part.

Joe's gaze lowered, and he got a sick feeling in his stomach.

- Oh shit. You mean you had your penis and testicles cut off? I bet that was awful.

- Yes, that was pretty painful, but that wasn't the worst part.

- I don't believe it, Charlie. What could possibly be worse than that?

- The final operation was the worst.

- That was when they did a craniotomy and took out half of my brain!

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says:

- No way. I don't think you can pay for it.

The guy says:

- You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?

The bartender says:

- Only if what you show me ain't risque.

- Deal! - says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says:

- You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

- Money or another miracle else no drink - says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says:

- It's a deal.

He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy:

- Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.

- Not so - says the guy.

- The hamster is also a ventriloquist.