Newest jokes

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying:

- I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said:

- I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked:

- Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate. But....

The priest replied:

- Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said:

- Better than pork, isn't it?

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

- Black pepper, or white pepper? - asked the concierge.

- Toilette pepper!

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy putt. He shouted:

- Damn, missed again.

The nun, shocked, warned him:

- God will get you for that.

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed:

- Damn It! Missed again - the nun repeated her warning:

- God will get you for that!

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out:

- Damn It! Missed again!.

Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied:

- Heck no sister, you nuns and aren't supposed to drink that stuff!

The nun said:

- Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa - then the nun whispers - She has the constipation.

The clerk said:

- Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have.

The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave.

A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says:

- You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says:

- You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!

Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage? The wife told the judge that her husband was "driving her buggy!"

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.

He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

- Well - said the demon - the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

Imagine the trademarks:

- Nike Condoms: Just do It

- Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling

- Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

- Sony Condoms: Do not underestimate the power of Sony

- Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?

- KFC Condoms: Finger Licking Good

- M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands

- Coca-Cola Condom: The Real Thing

- Ever-Ready Condoms: Keep going and going

- Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple

- Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.

I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.

Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do.

To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

- M: I know how to please a woman.

- W: Then please leave me alone.

- M: I want to give myself to you.

- W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- M: Your hair color is fabulous.

- W: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

- M: You look like a dream.

- W: Go back to sleep.

- M: I can tell that you want me.

- W: Yes, I want you to leave.

- M: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.

- M: Your body is like a temple.

- W: Sorry, there are no services today.

- M: Is this seat empty?

- W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- M: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?

- W: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

- M: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- W: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.