Newest jokes

What a mother once told her teenage daughter about how it felt to have a baby:

- It's kinda like trying to pass a watermelon through a keyhole.

A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply couldn't afford any more children. They looked around and found an excellent Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then they found out she was going to have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named them Juan and Amal.

The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son. She said to her husband:

- He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this of our other son, too.

He replied:

- But dear, they are twins. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.

- What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting - the nurse exclaimed.

- I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby - the new mother replied.

- You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby.

- You don't understand - the woman said and frowned.

- My baby already has a FIRST name!

A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.

At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read:

- When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital!

The Mammogram

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises:

1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) beetween the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.
2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.
3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.

This kid walks into the pharmacy:

- I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it.

- What do you want?

- Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know...

- What do you want?

- I need some protection, alright??!?!

- What size?

- Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess.

- That'll be $2.35 including tax.

- Tacks?! Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says:

- I'd like 99 condoms please.

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says:

- 99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!

To which the guy replies:

- Make it 100.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.

The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant that, if the man returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.

- So did you follow him?

- I did.

- And...where did he go?

- Over to your house!

A woman walks into the local pharmacy and ask's to see sanitary napkins.

The pharmacist replies:

- We have mini-pads and maxi-pads, which do you prefer?

The woman asks:

- What's the difference?

Pharmacist replies:

- It depends on what you flow is like!

Woman replies:

- My flo? My flo is linoleum!

- When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a little poetry into it when you're talking to them.

The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch how he or she is dealt with.

Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for a tummy bug.

The pharmacist says:

- There's a lot of that virus going about, but this pink mixture should sort you out!

- Oh thank you very much! - says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop.

So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to tea break:

- And remember to put some poetry into it - he says.

Anyway, the youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to the restroom. Just as he's about to nip off, a young teenage girl comes in.

- Can I help you? - he asks.

She replies very embarrassedly that she would like to buy some sanitary towels, to which the youth replies:

- Hang on Miss, I'm dying for a piss, but I'll be back in a flash, with a sash for your gash!