After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced:
- Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR.
The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.
- When you get to the part about calling a doctor - she said.
- I'm already here!
At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.
- What's it cure? - asks a member of the audience.
- Nothing we don't already have a drug for - the internist replies.
- Well, what's so miraculous about it?
- One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times!
A man is talking to the family doctor:
- Doc, I think my wife's going deaf.
The doctor answers:
- Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says:
- Honey, what's for dinner?
He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
- Honey, what's for dinner?
Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers:
- For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!
From David Letterman
Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:
- I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear:
- Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?
From Late Show with David Letterman
Top Ten Signs You've Gone To a Bad Chiropractor
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.
The undertaker said:
- But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said:
- Who's paying for this?
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said:
- Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!
One woman says to another:
- I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!
The other woman replies with a smile:
- Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!
If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?
→ Tunnel vision!
A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology.
When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply:
- There's lots of openings!
