Newest jokes

You might be a redneck if...
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You might be a redneck if...
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said:

- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

- You're a brave woman - said the dentist.

- Now, show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet.

Seeing this the dentist said:

- Please don't, you don't need to pay me now.

The patient answered:

- Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked:

- Yes sir, may we help you?

- There's something wrong with my dick - he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said:

- You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that.

- Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you - he said.

- We do not use language like that here - she said.

- Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked:

- Yes?

- There's something wrong with my 'ear' - he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly:

- And what is wrong with your ear, sir?

- I can't piss out of it - the man replied!

Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would happen.

So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought that maybe there was a problem with her.

The doctor told her he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did.

He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady:

- I know what your problem is, you have zactly.

The lady then asked:

- What is zactly?

The doctor said:

- Lady your mouth smells zactly like your butt!

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

- Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here? - yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

- Don't you want to get pregnant? - asked the doctor.

- Well, yes, I do - answered the woman.

- Then lie back and spread 'em - replied the doctor.

- We're all out of the bottled stuff... You'll just have to settle for what's on tap!

This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says:

- I've just got to marry this woman, I love her so much...

So the doctor says:

- Well, it's risky, but okay.

So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure.

Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says:

- We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%.

The guy looks up and says:

- Mama Mia!

A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says:

- Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do.

- I haven't got the fingers.

The doctor says:

- What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?

- Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up!

This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it.

- Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts.

- Not really, I hardly felt it.

- Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!

- Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain!