Newest jokes

Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.

Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn't been assigned this crap detail he'd be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was "on point" now.

The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car.

Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old man's car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, redlights and loudspeaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbors to know the city was doing it's job.

- Outta the car, old man! - demanded Redding.

- But officer, I haven't had anything to drink! - complained the old boy.

- Sure, you haven't, oldtimer, sure you haven't - replied Redding as he put the cuffs on the old guy and hauled him downtown.

At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer and the needle didn't move.

- What the... YOU haven't been drinking, old timer!

- But that's what I tried to tell you back there, officer!

- Well then why were you stumbling all over the place? - asked Redding.

- Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the 'designated drunk' when the place closed down!

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said:

- We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.

- Uh huh - said the old man.

- We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon - said the old woman.

- Uh huh - said the old man.

- And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon - said the old woman.

- That's right - said the old man, except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'

You know you're not a kid anymore when...

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

- You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.

- You call Olan Mills before they call you.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You make an appointment to see the dentist.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- People call at 9 pm and ask:

- did i wake you?

- You have dreams about prunes.

- You answer a question with:

- because i said so!

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word "equity" means.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."

- You go bowling without drinking.

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

With all due respect, President Clinton was telling the truth when he said he was not having sex with that woman... Of course he was referring to Hillary!

What do John Elway, Art Modell, and O.J. Simpson all have in common?
→ They all killed the Browns!

There was this boy that lived with his mother.

One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN. Then he went to bed.

The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN.

On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.

Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying....:

- I NEED A BIKE..........

Why do they manufacture perfumed bathroom tissue when our noses are on our faces?

Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton are on Air Force One.

Bill says to Hillary:

- I could make a lot of people very happy if I threw 1 million $1 bills out of this plane.

Hillary says:

- Oh yeah, well I could make even more people happy if I threw 1 million $5 bills out of this plane.

Chelsea says:

- I could make the whole world happy if I threw you both out of this plane!

To cut off a blonde's ears, put razor blades on each shoulder and ask the blond a question.

Automatically the blonde will shake her head from shoulder to shoulder saying:

- I don't know.

What do you call a pregnant Black woman?
→ A dope carrier!