Newest jokes

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says:

- Sorry we don't serve snails - and throws him out.

A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says...:

- What did you do that for!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father:

- What is this, Father? The father [never having seen an elevator] responded:

- Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father yells to his son:

- Hurry boy - go get your mother!

Bill & Hilary Clinton are on a sinking ship, who gets saved?
→ The nation!

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

What is the difference between 'like' and 'love'?
→ Spit and swallow!

To: All Male U.S. Citizens
From: I.R.S. Service Center
Re: Notice of increase in tax payments

The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size. The categories are as follows:

- 10 - 12 inches....... Luxury Tax $30.00

- 8 -10............... Pole Tax $25.00

- 5 -8................ Privilege Tax $15.00

- 4 -5................ Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
I.R.S

There was this blonde girl who had gotten fed up with blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair black.

So she did, and she was sooooo happy with it that she went to her car and drove around just to show off her new look. She was coming up to this intersection when she saw a shepeherd by the road waiting to cross with his flock of lambs. The girl stopped and waved him to pass.

While the flock was crossing the road, she asked the shepherd:

- If I can guess how many sheep you got there, would you give me one?

He thought about the offer for a minute and decided it was ok. The girl looked at the flock and exclaimed:

- 487. The shepherd said:

- WOW! That's right...well...take any sheep you like...a deal's a deal. So she gets the animal and happily puts him in the back of her car, when the shepehrd says:

- WAIT!

Now I have a deal for you.... if I guess the real color of your hair can I have my dog back?

What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
→ SWIMMING TRUNKS !!!

What do you call a blonde behind a stearingwheel?
→ An airbag!

Did ya hear about the blonde lesbian?
→ She liked guys!