Newest jokes

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:

- Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!

The grasshopper says:

- Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!

An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

- Where did you get such a functional bike? - asked the first.

The second engineer replied:

- Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said:

- Take what you want.

The second engineer nodded approvingly:

- Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director said:

- If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?

The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted:

- Stand up, nuts!

Everyone stood up.

- Sit down, nuts!

Everyone sat down.

- Look behind you, nuts!

Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out:

- Peanuts!

A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man:

- So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?

- Yes, Doc, - the old man slowly responded.

- My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered.

This took the doctor quite by surprise.

- You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?

- Well, - the old man said.

- I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered.

Still confused, the doctor said:

- I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive.

- Doc, - the old man said.

- You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here, pointing to his head, to here, pointing to between his legs.

A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.

The officer says:

- Pull over,

and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.

He says:

- I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?

The police officer says:

- No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back.

The man replies:

- Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home.

- Bet you can't guess how old I am - he says.

- Bet I can - she says.

- Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am - he says.

- You're on - she says.

- Stand up.

He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down.

- Now turn around - she says.

She looks him up and she looks him down.

- Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants - she says.

He drops his pants and she looks him up . . . and she looks him down . . .

- you're 86 - she says.

He's dumbounded.

- By golly, woman, you're right. I am 86. How'd you know?

She rocks and smiles.

- You told me yesterday!

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?
→ They both say... "insert Bill here!"

Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror.

- What are we going to do? - asks the drunk passenger.

- Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking.

They pull over and the cop gets out.

- May I see your license and your registration? - he asks.

The guy gives him his license.

- Have you been drinking?

- No officer. We haven't.

- Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink? - the officer asked.

- I swear officer. I haven't had a sip.

- Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?

The man answers:

- These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch.

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
→ Because it said "concentrate!"

- What makes Britain so strong?

- It's the two-party system. One big party on every friday and another big party on every saturday