Newest jokes

• Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
• Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
• Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22
• Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2
• "Light" meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
• Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18
• Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22
• Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
• Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
• Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11
• Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3
• Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
• Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows -The New York Times, March 10
• Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies -The Los Angeles Times, March 2
• Scientists see quakes in L.A. future -The Oregonian, January 28
• Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning -The Buffalo News, February 26
• Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold -Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
• Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer -Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
• Economist uses theory to explain economy -Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
• Bible church's focus is the Bible -Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
• Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons -Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
• Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity -The Chicago Tribune, March 5
• Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear -Journal of Commerce, April 20
• Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person -The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
• Lack of brains hinders research -The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
• Cement Supplies seen as adequate -The Bangkok Post, January 28
• How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hay -Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
• Fish lurk in streams -Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
• Dole loses debate by not winning -Some newspaper

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother:

- Thanks for the peanuts.

She says:

- Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em.

- I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

- The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

- We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

- I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

- When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. - Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

- It's like deja vu all over again. - Yogi Berra

- China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese - Former French President Charles De Gaulle

- The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

- That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. - A congressional candidate in Texas

- It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. - Richard M. Nixon

- The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet. - Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

- When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

- Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. - Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

- A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. - Everett Dirksen

- A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samuel Goldwyn

- Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

- I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. - John Wayne

- Half this game is ninety percent mental. - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

- It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. - General William Westmoreland

- What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

- If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet. - Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

- I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

- What happened to you feet? - his wife asked.

- I had a childhood disease called tolio.

- Don't you mean polio?

- No, tolio, it only affects the toes.

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

- What happened to your knees? - she asked.

- Well, I also had kneesles.

- Don't you mean measles?

- No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said...:

- Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!

Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one:

- See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.

The other guy says:

- No way.

The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.

A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy:

- I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no.

The second guy says:

- You got me last time, but there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no.

The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says:

- Remember what I did last time? (Camel nods).

- Want me to do it again?

Confucius say...

Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!

Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.

Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Man with atletic finger make broad jump.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss baloons.

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.

Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.

Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant.

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

When lady say no, she mean maybe when lady say maybe, she mean yes when lady say yes, she no lady.

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!

There is no such thing as rape; Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.

Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache

He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.

He who refuses to listen is lying.

He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.

Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.

Woman who not practise sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.

It take square ass to shit a brick.

The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands..

He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.

Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!

Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.

Boy who play with himself pulls boner.

Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.

Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.

Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.

Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass make spectacle of self.

Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

This chick walks into a doctor's office and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute, so she does. The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks:

- do you know what I'm doing now

and she replies:

- you're checking for menopause

and he says:

- very good.

Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her:

- do you know what I'm doing now

and she says:

- checking for breast cancer

and he says:

- very good.

Then he jumps on her and starts rooting her and asks if she knows what he's doing now and she replies:

- contracting genital herpes cause that's why I came to see you

There is an old Indian Tribe in the Amazon and their chief is getting old and a new, young challenger wants to be chief.

So the wise man of the tribe decides that whoever produces the loudest fart in a week will be chief.

The first few days pass and neither the chief or his young rival have farted.

The wiseman emerges and says:

- Big Chief no Fart.

The next day a truck load of baked beans arrives for the Chief, but at the end of the day the wiseman says:

- Big Chief no Fart.

The next day, three truckloads arrives for the Chief, but again the wiseman comes out and says:

- Big Chief no Fart.

The Chief is becoming frustrated and orders an army of trucks loaded with baked beans.

At the end of the day the wiseman comes out and says...:

- Big Fart, no Chief!

A preschool teacher thought it would be interesting for her students to learn to identify different names for the various kinds of meats. One day, she cooked up several different meats and labeled them. As each student took a bite they were asked to identify the animal.

Little Sherry took a bite of the meat labeled beef and correctly said that it came from a cow. Tommy took a bite of pork and also correctly identified the meat as coming from a pig. The last meat was labeled venison. The children chewed and chewed and after numerous incorrect guesses the teacher attempted to give them a hint:

- what does your mommy call your daddy when he comes home from work at night - she asked?

All of a sudden little Joey jumped up from the back of the classroom and yelled:

- Jesus Christ! Spit it out, it's Asshole!

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour:

- What's the camel for?

The Sergeant replied:

- Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.

The captain said:

- Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me.

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant:

- BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant:

- Is that how the enlisted men do it?

The Sergeant replied:

- Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.