Newest jokes

Top 10 things you'll never hear a girl say.

1. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
2. Shouldn't you be out drinking with your friends?
3. Great fart!! Rip another one!
4. Pet names are silly. I just call it my c*nt.
5. You should see the shit I just birthed.
6. I'd rather play Duke Nukem than go shopping.
7. Let's start subscribing to Hustler.
8. Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?
9. I'll swallow it all. I love the taste of it!
10. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm buying.

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.

I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.

Then I go to pharmacia with a cough. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.

So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out:

- If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite.

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

- Well - the husband replied - There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. He comes running up to his mom and says:

- Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!

The mom says:

- the bigger they are, the dumber they are.

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says:

- Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!

Mom says:

- the bigger they are, the dumber they are.

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says:

- Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

- Are you crazy - yelled the customer - sticking your thumb in my steak?!

- What - answers the waiter - You want it to fall on the floor again?

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told:

- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog says:

- This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?

- No - says the psychic.

- Next semester in her biology class.

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says:

- Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?

GOD replied:

- Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create.

So Adam says:

- When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?

- I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.

- Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?

- I did that Adam so that you could love her.

- Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?

- Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- Man: What are you doing here today?

- Woman: Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Man: Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.

"Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.

"Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter".

Jesus is now getting quite excited.

In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", the answer is "yes".

- Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles? - asks Jesus.

- Yes - comes the reply.

Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts:

- FATHER, FATHER?!

The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies....

- Pinnochio?

Jack goes to the doctor and says:

- Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack:

- Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment.

Jack asks sadly:

- What is this treatment?

- Well - the doctor explains - what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.

Jack thinks about it silently then says:

- Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it.

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile:

- That was incredible! Can you do that again?

Jack replied:

- Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!