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Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"

"Oh no," Edgar replied, "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?"

Edgar said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the doctor asked.

"No, I don't," Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run…

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun."

"So he's in the woods," the doctor continues, "and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet…

- Grandma, why don't you drink tea anymore?

- I don't like it ever since that tea bag got stuck in my throat.

My grandma has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on.

Why is it easy to break in to an old man's house?
→ Because his gait is broken, and his locks are few.

How can you tell an old person from a young person?
→ An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.

- How old is your Grandma?

- I dunno, but we've had him a long time.

- Fred: I haven't slept a wink for the past two nights.

- Harry: Why's that?

- Fred: Granny broke her leg. The doctor put it in plaster and told her she shouldn't walk upstairs. You should hear the row when she climbs up the drainpipe.

An American tourist found himself in a sleepy country village, and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant.
"Well, sir," replied the villager, "we ain't got one now. He died last week."

- Grandpa: You youngsters are soft and lazy today. When I was your age I got up at six o'clock every morning and walked five or six miles before breakfast. I used to think nothing of it.

- Fred: I don't blame you, Grandpa. I wouldn't think, much of it myself.

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except that she's angry with you."

"With me?" the woman exclaimed.
"Whatever for?"

"She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young again."

John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!"

Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?"

"No," replies John.

So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"

"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies.

They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."

How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?
→ Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!

"What's wrong, sonny?" asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out.
"I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!" So the old man sat down and wept too.

What's the best thing about turning 65?
→ No more calls from insurance salesmen.

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?"
The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?"
"Sure!", says his buddy.
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."

What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
→ When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man's oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the friend asked "How in the hell did YOU land a wife like that?" The old man whispered back, "Easy. I told her I was 90!"

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"