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- David: My wife beats me, doctor.

- Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

- David: Every time we play Scrabble!

A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

- Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

- Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

- Man: And the bad news?

- Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.

- Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!

- Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

- Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.

- Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

- Doctor: Have you ever had this before?

- Patient: Yes.

- Doctor: Well, you've got it again!

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

- Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

- Nurse: What is it?

- Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

- Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

- Nurse: No. Is it missing?

- Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

- Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

- Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

- Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

- Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

- Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

- Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

- Doctor: Oh, really?

- Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys." The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?" The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.

"An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians"

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.

Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.

"Fuck me," shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.

"What the fuck are you doing that for?" says Smartie.

"That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see him, so I'm hiding from him," says Polo.

"You should stand up to him," says Smartie. "He'll respect you more if you do."

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.

"Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I'll knock the fucking shit out of you," says Polo.

"Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink?" says Humbug.

"Told you so," says Smartie.

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought: "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry." Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped him: "What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's a party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!" the whiskey replied.

And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"

The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bedsheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The security guard ask: "What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"

The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the…

Little old Mr. Ravelli is on his front stoop, barbequeing a chicken on a manual rotisserie. A drunk comes walking along and says, "Hey, man...the music stopped, and your monkey's on fire."

This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in the door he says, rapidly, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" At which point they usually ask him what it was he said, and he then says, "Terribly nasty weather." They then go off looking confused.

A drunk a few stools down observes this and finally says, "Say, buddy, I see what'cher doin'-- you're putting people on! When somebody comes in the door you say, Tickle your ass with a feather, and when they say, What did you say to me? you say, terribly nasty weather."

So the guy says to the drunk, "Yeah, it's fun putting people on. Come on down here and you do the next one that comes in."

A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we talk about politics

The bartender says "IF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S POLITICS". A little while later hey bartender can we talk about religon. Again the bartender says "IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S RELIGON". Then again we hear hey bartender can we talk about sex. The bartender says SURE. The drunk says good............fuck you!

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before.

- 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.

- 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!

- 3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!

- 1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"