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OLD CANNERS never die, they are preserved
OLD CARS never die, they just get run into the ground
OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out
OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibrium
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that way
OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket

OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over
OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six
OLD DANCERS never die, they just step away
OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged
OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull
OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away
OLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time
OLD DIVERS never die, they just flop

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

- It's free, - Peter replied.

- this is Heaven.

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on…

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is:

- Your Passionate

They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm:

- Your Passionate.

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman:

- Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you…

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked:

- Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded:

- Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked:

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other:

- Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?

- Outstanding, - Fred replied.

- They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.

- That's great! What was the name of the clinic?

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked:

- What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?

- You mean a rose?

- Yes, that's it!

He turned to his wife. . .

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said 'yes'. The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

- Oh - she said.

- I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was.

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

- Who's the boss around here? - he asked.

- I am. - said the man.

- I have a black horse and a brown horse - the farmer said.

- which one would you like?

The man thought for a minute and said:

- The black one.

- No, no, no, get the brown one. - the man's wife said.

- Here's your chicken. - said the farmer.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

- I couldn't help noticing how happy you look - she said.

- What's your secret for a long happy life?

- I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day - he said.

- I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.

- That's amazing - the woman said.

- How old are you?

- Twenty-six - he said.

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.

- How you doing today? - she said to the old man.

- First day I see.

The Old man replied with a nod. In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and…

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says:

- Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.

The second old man says:

- You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps.

Finally the third old man speaks up:

- Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.

We're over the hill but don't feel sad
This side of the hill ain't all that bad.

So give us "five" and then a smile
To us who have been here for awhile.

With by-pass pain and mended hip
And plumbing fixtures prone to drip;
We all may seem a sorry lot,
But we rejoice for what we've got.

We have each day and what it brings
And on our pensions live like kings.

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....

Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:

- And what do you think is the best thing about being 104? - the reporter asked.

She simply replied:

- No peer pressure.

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.

To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said:

- Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

- I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

- The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

- Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.

But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son:

- Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

- Well, is she all right? - asked Mrs. Silver.

- She's fine, except that she's angry at you.

- At me? - the woman exclaimed.

- Whatever for?

- She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,' - snickered Timmy.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what…

I am a senior citizen...

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .

All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.

What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.

My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.

When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?

I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;