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- Ref: I'm sending you off

- Player: What for?

- Ref: The rest of the match!

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
→ They got jellygated!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
→ Bring on their subs!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
→ The changing rooms!

What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
→ Fiver side!

Why did the goal post get angry?
→ Because the bar was rattled!

Why are football grounds odd?
→ Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

- Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?

- Captain: Well, it could have been worse.

- Manager: How?

- Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

- Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?

- Player: I finished it in three days!

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
→ The bored room!

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
→ It was a cup draw!

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
→ So that they can pack the defence!

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
→ Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
→ Webley stadium!

Which insect didn't play well in goal?
→ The fumble bee!

Why didn't the dog want to play football?
→ It was a boxer!

How do hens encourage their football teams?
→ They egg them on!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
→ Beans on post!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
→ Cornflakes!

What lights up a football stadium?
→ A football match!

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
→ He was the skipper!

What did the bumble bee striker say?
→ Hive scored!

Where do footballers dance?
→ At a football!

What tea do footballers drink?
→ Penaltea!

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
→ Because he liked sole music!