Women Jokes

Why do women have arms?
→ Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

The Makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed a pill to increase lubrication in females. The pill will be called Niagra.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?
→ Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington. "For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked you and raped you!"

"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm him down. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to Washington, because thats where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases."

ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: ADAM
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.

OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come into contact with each other.

Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?
→ Chapped lips.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
→ Her lipstick.

How are women like elevators?
→ Only about half go down.