Women Jokes

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.

"I say she's highly over-rated," said one. "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?"

"My wife," said the other with a heavy sigh!

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!"

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor."

One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?"

- I've been stung by a bee.

- Oh really, where?

- Between the first and second hole

- Well, first of all, your stance is too wide...

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.

As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes... And we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we..."

A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth.

"Aha, cavity! I'll have to drill this one out!" says the dentist.

"Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!!" cries the lady.

"In that case, I will have to adjust the chair first" replies the dentist.

- Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell me if you find it unusual.

- Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.

- (shouting) What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!

- (angry) Did you have to say it twice?!?

- I didn't! I didn't!

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.

"What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor.

"Well," said the woman, "I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it."

"Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?"

So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.

"Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?"

The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said, "Well my perversion is... My perversion... Oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!"

"Shit, is that ALL!" said the doctor. "Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!"

So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, "Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum."

Anyway, five minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. "Hey!" shouted the woman, "I thought you said you were a pervert?"

"Oh I am," said the doctor, "I've just shit in your handbag!"

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains: "Doctor, when I wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get pregnant."

"Well" said the doctor, "It's possible you don't breed in captivity!"

A woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable.

- Haven't you been examined like this before? asks the doctor.

- Many times, she giggles, but never by doctor!

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"