Women Jokes

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

What is the difference between a Slut and a Bitch?
→ A Slut sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone but you!

Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you... wanna marry?"

Blonde after sex: "Next!"

Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid."

For me, penises are a hobby ... kinda like fishing ... The small ones you throw back, the good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and the big ones you mount.

How can ya tell when a woman has fucked too much?

Ya put yer thumb in her ass, AND yer middle-finger in her cunt...

Now, if ya can SNAP yer fingers, ya know she's been fucking too much..

The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.

Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?" The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."

- Doctor, I need your help. My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?

- Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?

- Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!

- Er... Why don't you take a lover?

- I have! I still don't get enough.

- Take another lover.

- I did. In fact, I have eight lovers, and I still don't get enough sex!

- Gosh, that's an anomaly.

- Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!

Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one...

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"

"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."