Situations

Temperatures

• 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.
• 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
• 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
• 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
• 35 degrees - Italians cars don't start.
• 32 degrees - Water freezes.
• 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.
• 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.
• 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
• 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
• 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
• 5 degrees - American cars don't start.
• 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
• -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
• -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
• -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.
• -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.
• -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start.
• -40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.
• -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.
• -80 degrees - Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.
• -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
• -100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.

Once, there were two bikers driving down the highway on a cold afternoon.

"Man!" commented one... "it's FREEZING!!! and my coat won't zip up. The cold air is killing me!!"

The other biker thought for a minute as they sped down the road. "Well," he said at last... "you can turn your jacket around, then the open side would be at the back. You wouldn't get so cold that way."

"Great idea!" commented the other. "stop and let me switch."

The driver pulled over, and the passenger put his jacket on backwards.

"There!" he said when he had completed the switch. "I feel better already."

The two of them climbed back on the motorcycle and drove off. Then, suddenly they hit a patch of ice on the road, and spun off and crashed. A few minutes later a crowd had gathered, and when the ambulance arrived, the EMTs shouted out "Is anybody hurt?"

One guy from the crowd replied "Well, the driver was dead when I got here, and the other guy was doing alright until we fixed his head."

There was a blonde and a brunette watching the 10:00 news. A news reporter was in the foreground, giving a report. In the background there was a man and a bridge.

"I'll bet you 50 bucks that the guy jumps off of the bridge," the brunette said to the blonde. "Okay, it's a bet." A moment later, the man did jump off the bridge and the blonde pulled out 50 dollars. "I can't take it." "You have to, it was a bet." "I really can't take it. You see, I watched the 6:00 news and saw him jump then." The brunette was feeling very humble at this point.

And the blonde said... "Well, I watched it too, but I didn't think he'd jump twice!"

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.

War decides not who is right, but who is left.

There was a man at a gas station, pumping gas into his truck. While pumping he got gas on his arm. He wiped some of it off, then forgot about it. He paid for his gas and got in the truck.

As he was driving down the road, he lit up a cigarette, and the gas on his arm caught on fire. He rolled down the window and was waving his arm about, when he was pulled over by the cops.

The officer charged him for improper use of firearms.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"

"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am...a stunt driver!"

TRAFFIC JAM

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President just found out Starr has delivered another report to Congress and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him".

- Oh really? How much have you collected so far?

- I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons.

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy". "Yes", she replied, "All three sons are named Leroy."

"Why would you do that?", inquired the government worker.

"It makes it much easier to get things done.", was her reply. "Leroy, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath. "Leroy, time for supper." And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

"Oh that's easy", she replied. "I just call them by their last name."

Seen in a bar near here: "We don't stand in your toilet, so please don't pee on our floor!"