Situations

Headline in today's newspaper: "Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake!"

12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
13. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
14. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
15. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
16. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
17. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
18. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
19. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
20. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
21. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
22. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
23. No, YOU assume the position.

- Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.

- Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

A lady had a height problem - she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car... So she visited an expert. The expert said: "Go visit the Dwarven Town. It's full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if he'll marry you. Every time a dwarf says 'no,' you grow 10 cm shorter!"

The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter. She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home. She boldly walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her. The dwarf replied: "No, no, no, no, no...! I don't want to marry a tall person like you! You're too tall! No, no, no, no, no!"

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, "You got any grapes?"

Guy at the counter says, "No, we don't have any grapes."

Duck says "okay." and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says "You got any grapes?"

The man once again replies, "No! We do not have any grapes."

The duck says "Okay." and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks, "You got any grapes?"

The man is very annoyed and says, "No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!"

The duck replies "Okay," and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, "You got any nails?"

The man at the counter says "No."

The duck says, "Well then, you got any grapes?"

What goes Clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop?
→ An Amish drive by shooting!

Don't let your mind wander too far. It is too little to go out alone!

What happens when you play Country music records backwards?
→ You Sober up, your wife comes home and your dog returns to life!

Don't steal... The government doesn't like competition!

What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub?
→ A self cleaning coven!