Situations

How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
→ None! He fell.

A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says "fill it up, please". The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are occupied by penguins.

"Hey Buddy" says the attendant to the driver, "These birds can't be happy like this...they're wild animals, you should take them to a zoo or something.." The motorist agrees to do so.

The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels...

"What's this?" he says to the driver, "I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?"

The driver says "I did...and they had such a great time that today I'm taking them to the beach."

How do you double the value of a Ford Pinto?
→ Fill the gas tank!

Sally was a girl with no horseback riding experience, yet one day she discided to take her chances. As she climbed on the big Palimino, it took off at a gallop. Sally was sliding off. She tried to grab the mane but she couldn't seem to get a grip. So in a great rush she threw herself from the thundering horse, but her foot got caught in the stirup. She was at the mercy of the pounding hooves, near unconsciousness, when......

The Wall Mart manager came out to turn the ride off.

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Why does the wind blow from the north in Indiana?
→ Kentucky sucks.

Ring Ring...

- Hello, who is it?

- Is your phone number 13498732?

- No.

- So, why did you pick up the phone?

One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him "Paper or Plastic" and the man said, "Uh...paper I guess."

Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35. The man took out his wallet and said "Real or Counterfeit".

A new neighbor arrives. The kids meet.

The local kid: "My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?"

The other kid answers, "Alaska".

The first one replies: "Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!"

When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In his sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.