Situations

If you watch the way that many motorists drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous part of a car is the nut behind the wheel.

Auntie Maud bought herself a new rear-engine European car. She took an old friend for a drive, but after only half a mile the car broke down.

Both women got out and opened up the front of the car.

"Oh, Maud," said her friend, "you've lost your engine!"

"Never mind, dear," said auntie. "I've got a spare one in the trunk."

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped.

Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

Two cab drivers met.

"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.

It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes up, "what the hell was that?". The truck driver replies, "some kinda animal, go back to sleep."

Further the same thing again, bang, "What the hell was that?", "some kinda animal again."

Further into the night, bang, bang, bang, "What the hell was that?", "Some bastard!". "How terrible", says the hitch-hiker, "but there were 3 bangs"

The truck driver replies, "Yeah, well I had to go through two fences to get the bastard. . ."

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

A man walks into an auto parts store and says "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo."

The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me."

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost in the pit lane.

The first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the McLaren team boss noticed a real problem.

Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within four seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!

In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one at the other.

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.

The other one politely asks, "When you've finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?"

"When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step."

"If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."