Situations

You're so poor that when I went to your house I stepped on a match and your mom said, "Oh! who turned off the fireplace"!!!

She's like yesterday's coffee -- a little weak in the bean.

She has a pretty little head-- for a head, it's pretty little.

- I've just come back from the beauty parlor!

- What a pity it was closed!

You've a face like a million dollars.
All green and wrinkled!

- I never forget a face!

- But in your case I'll make an exception!

- Do you like my new jacket?

- It's great. Shame your body doesn't suit it, though.

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)
11. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)
12. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
13. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
14. Family coming to stay with you
15. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
16. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities
17. Days off from work
18. Candles

And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ...

1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle...

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."