Situations

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

- I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?

- For about 60 years.

- 60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?

- I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.

- How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?

- Like I'm talking to a fucking wall.

Visual joke: Stand with both arms outstreached level with your shoulders.

Ask: "what's this?" - A really crappy way to spend Easter.

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard some noise, so he looked inside, and lo and behold there was an Indian down in the hole.

- The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there?"

- The Indian replied, "Many moons."

What is your date of birth?
→ July fifteenth.

What year?
→ Every year.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
→ We both do.

Voodoo?
→ We do.

You do?
→ Yes, voodoo.

Have you ever wondered why you wonder why?

I used to wonder why, but now I don't wonder why I wonder why.

I wonder why I don't wonder why anymore?

Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book?
→ Because they all have phones.

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look short!"