Situations

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife."

"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.

Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.

Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver."

Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after."

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

- John: Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?

- Susan: Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.

- John: Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?

- Susan: I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself.

- John: Say, you ARE a good sport.

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
→ They are four ways you can lose your house!

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

• The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
• The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
• The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
• The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
• If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
• After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
• After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
• In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
• No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

• Escape from Dojo: The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
• Sleeper Stance: Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.
• Sigh of Wisdom: Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.
• Crossing Fingers: A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.
• Gift of Instruction: The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.
• Seeing Without Seeing: The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
• Kuchi Waza (mouth technique): Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.
• Mugger's Defense: Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.
• Sensei's Downfall: Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.

Further requirements:

• Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).
• Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
• Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.
• Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
• Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.
• Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).
• Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).
• Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.
• Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.
• Must be able to sing Karaoke.
• Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)
• Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).
• Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".
• Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.
• Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.
• Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
• Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note: Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.

Things to do at a Bowling Alley

• Every time you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
• Whenever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
• Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
• Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
• Wear Golf Shoes.
• Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
• Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
• Play bocci with extra lane balls
• Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again
• Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
• Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
• Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
• Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
• Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
• Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
• Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
• Root for the other team- Bring Banners. Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
• Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"
• Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
• Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
• Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
• Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
• Rent all the shoes, eat them
• Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
• When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
• If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics
• Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
• Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
• SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
• Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
• Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling
• Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
• Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.
• Bring a dartgun...

Be inventive.

• Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
• Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
• Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.
• Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.