Random joke from this category
From Reuters News Service:
Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.
A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
- Bill: If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?
- Tom: The smaller piece, of course.
- Bill: What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?
- Policeman: I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.
- Man: What's the charge?
- Policeman: Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service
My horoscope read, "You're going places and you can't be stopped."
Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
- Officer: May I see your driver's license?
- Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
- Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
- Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
- Officer: The car is stolen?
- Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
- Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
- Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
- Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
- Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
- Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
- Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
- Captain: Who's car is this?
- Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
- Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
- Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
- Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
- Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
- Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
- Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?"
To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.
A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?"
After a moment the man replied, ... "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."
