Situations

COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies,

• Word processors never display a cursor.
• You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
• All monitors display inch-high letters.
• High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
• Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").
• All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
• Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
• All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
• People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
• A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
• Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).
• Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds.
• Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
• When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
• If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
• No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into.
• All application software is usable by all computer platforms
• The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
• Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
• Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
• Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

- Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

- You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

- Customer: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

- You: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

- Customer: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

- You: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

- Customer: But how do get there?

- You: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

- Customer: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

- Customer: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so COMPLICATED!

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)

Dear Sir,

I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.

At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"

Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.

Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.

BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words: "Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889." Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot. Next, we rewrite the text: "Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

How many letters are there in the alphabet?
→ Twenty-four, because E.T. went home.

This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.

While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.

Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.

Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.

By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
   b) Right out of the pot?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
   a) ...to get up in the morning?
   b) ...to get out of bed?
   c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your heart?
15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
    b) ...in more than five?
    c) ...in your bathroom?
16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
    b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
    c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?
20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
    b) ...and his donkey?
    c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
    b) ...that you don't like?
    c) ...because it's too frustrating?