Sex Jokes

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!"

"It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET10. Does this come in children's sizes?9. No thanks, just sniffing8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind7. Mom will love this6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here4. Will you model this for me?3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said, "Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?"

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again ?"

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.

• Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
• Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
• Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
• Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
• Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
• Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
• Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
• Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
• Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
• Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
• Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
• Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
• Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
• Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
• Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
• Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms.
• Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
• Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
• Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
• Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
• Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
• Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
• Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
• Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
• Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
• Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
• Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
• Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
• Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
• Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
• Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
• Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
• Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
• Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
• Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
• Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
• Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
• Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
• Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
• Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
• Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
• Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
• Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
• Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms.
• Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your Mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's rest room?
→ Say, "Nice dick."

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
→ An itchy, twitchy twat.

Are birth control pills deductible?
→ Only if they don't work.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
→ If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
→ Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
→ Miracle Whip.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.

Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

• Accountants do it with Double Entry
• Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
• Ambulance drivers come quicker
• Australians do it Down Under
• Bach did it using the organ
• Bankers do it with interest
• Bartenders do it on the Rocks
• Batman does it using his Robin
• Bookkeepers do it for the record
• Bosses delegate the task to others
• Chess players check their Mates
• Cops do it with cuffs
• DJs do it on request
• Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
• Dentists do it orally
• Detectives do it under cover
• Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
• Elevator men do it up and down
• Engineers do it to specifications
• Engineers do it to a first order approximation
• Firemen do it with a big hose
• Frank Sinatra does it his way
• Garbagemen come twice a week
• Gardeners do it on the bushes
• Gas attendants Pump all day
• Golfers do it in 18 holes
• Landlords do it every 1st of the month
• Managers make others do it
• Marketing reps do it on commission
• Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
• Teachers do it with class
• Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
• Zoologists do it with animals